write for a number of sites and mags. This is an archive of that work, with links
to the original articles.
The Big Picture is "the new film magazine that goes beyond the borders of the screen,
revealing cinema's unique power to entertain, inspire and connect to each and every
one of us." I regularly contributed to both the website and the magazine itself, which is
distributed amongst these independent UK cinemas.
Check out my profile here.
Game Debate is a community-based PC gaming website which concentrates on
the system requirements of the latest titles and follows upcoming releases. Reviews,
previews, news and lots of discussions on the biggest gaming topics.
Check out my profile here.
Game Debate forums are now open for business, and I'm still an assistant
administrator. Head on over and register, and you can discuss everything from
your favourite/most hated games to your gaming rig and upgrades.
Suite 101 is an online magazine that covers a vast range of topics. Writers are a
mixture of editors, authors and journalists.
Suite 101 was recenty recognised by Compete for its rapid growth and huge
readership:
"Independent online magazine Suite101.com saw 8.3 million UVs in October 2009, a whopping 112.3 percent lift from October 2008"
Check out my profile here. You can also subscribe to my RSS feed (although
it's a little sparse and obviously no longer updated, so prob not worth bothering
with).
That VideoGame Blog (TVGB) is what it says it is. The latest games news all in one
convenient and sexy place. Recently included in CNET's list of top ten gaming blogs alongside the likes of Destructoid, Joystiq and Kotaku. Regular readership now
stands at over a quarter of a million.
Check out my profile here.
Work Experience
iGizmo
A week at Dennis Publishing, spent with the iGizmo team. Worked in partnership with
deputy editor Martin James.
Contributed to both the magazine and the website.
Links:
On-demand book printing
Sony DAB rising star awards
Internet brownouts just two years away
iPhone: The band you can fit in your pocket
Smelly games
Magic is the icing on the Cupcake
EFD: Death of paper magazines?
Citroen C1 goes electric
'Smart' search engine to rival Google
Reference:
From Deputy Editor Martin James
John Lewis Oxford Street Chronicle
Two days in the flagship John Lewis, working closely with the Chronicle team.
Planned a two-page spread about the childrenswear/schoolwear departments, then
conducted interviews with key staff members and wrote up the feature.
Also contributed news articles and photographs to the issue.
News Story 1: My Placement
News Story 2: Service Secrets
Feature article - left page
Feature article - right page
All article updates...
01/03/10
This will be my final update before I finish all freelance work and join What Laptop
magazine, but at least I'm going out with a goody. My last piece is a look back at
the horrific tragedy that claimed three lives during the filming of the Twilight Zone
film.
Thanks again to Gabriel and the others at Big Picture, Felix and the rest of the Game
Debate crew, the TVGB guys, and everyone else I've worked with. The last year has
been frickin' fantastic, and a valuable education.
Now, check out my new 'articles' section for updates on my What Laptop work ;)
13/02/10
Firstly, my Mass Effect 2 review has appeared on Game Debate. If you're looking for an excuse not to leave your flat/house/abode any time soon, here it is.
Secondly, I have some pretty huge news: I'm going to be joining the Future family in a month to work on What Laptop magazine. Once I do, all of my current freelance work
will finish. The site will undergo some big changes in the coming week, and this lot
is going to be archived, like a mature middle-aged man packing away his Ben
Sherman clubbing gear and pulling on a nice warm sweater instead. Or something
like that. I ate too much wedding cake and my brain is hurting.
26/01/10
The new issue of Big Picture is out! Issue 6 is available to download from the Big
Picture website, and can be picked up from cinemas nationwide from next week.
This time I've contributed two features - a look back at Ray Harryhausen's
illustrious career, and a piece on one of his most famous creations, Medusa, a
woman so hideous that even Susan Boyle would run screaming.
The Big Picture is also running a competition to choose a film for its upcoming
screening. Readers can vote for one of six different movies, with the winner
announced on March 30th. I'm trying to tempt people to choose my personal
selection, Jonathan Glazer's Sexy Beast, so why not go to the Big Picture website
and vote when the polls open on Valentine's Day.
23/01/10
Been a busy week, but I found some time to check out Frogwares' latest Sherlock
Holmes effort. This time the super sleuth takes on Jack The Ripper himself, and also somehow finds the time to reunite little old ladies with their missing pets. As you do.
16/01/10
While we're patiently waiting for the next issue of Big Picture to emerge, here's a
look back at the chaotic production of Stanley Kubrick's The Shining, which just hit
its 30th anniversary.
09/01/10
Retro blasting action makes a return with Sigma Team's Alien Shooter 2: Reloaded.
With a name like that, it was hardly going to be an intellectual puzzler, was it?
06/01/10
Another Suite 101 article's just gone up: my Guide to Kuala Lumpur.
05/01/10
Happy new year / decade! Hope everyone had a good holiday, time to get back to work...
My first Suite 101 article just went up, a look back at the rise of DLC in '09 and a
prediction for future trends. I'll be adding more in the coming weeks.
23/12/09
Just discovered that I've been accepted as a writer for Suite 101, an online mag
that attracts a regular readership in the millions. Article links will go up here as usual,
OR you can subscribe to my RSS feed!
21/12/09
The Game Debate forums are now open for business, and I'm an assistant
administrator. Head on over and register, and you can discuss everything from
your favourite/most hated games to your gaming rig and upgrades.
20/12/09
Things are grinding to a halt for 2009, but I'm not done just yet! Here's a review of the
new Joanathan Boakes adventure, Dark Fall: Lost Souls. Also, Felix has posted up
my brief 2009 round-up for the PC. Note that this link takes you to his news section, so
as time passes the roundup will be pushed further down the page.
Also, some big news from Sony this weekend, both concerning their plans to charge for
premium PSN subscriptions, and also a potential new version of the PSP (catchily
named the PSP-4000). I've written articles on both for TVGB.
16/12/09
As Christmas draws nearer, there's just about time for some final festive reviews - this
time it's James Cameron's Avatar: The Game. Poncy title, but could it be that rarest of
beasts...a decent film tie-in videogame?
08/12/09
Big Picture Issue 6 is almost wrapped up now, I'll post a link to the electronic version
when it's available. Two of my articles will be featured this time, and I'm also
involved in an upcoming event - more details soon.
I've also managed to find time for games, and had a chance to check out the beta
code for upcoming strategy title RUSE. Check out my preview over on Game
Debate.
02/12/09
King Arthur is a new role-playing war game, don't you know. You get to be mean to
people and cut them into tiny pieces, then feed the pieces to cute little rabbits, then
cut the cute little rabbits into tiny pieces, and feed those pieces to worms. Then
stomp on the worms.
27/11/09
As well as contributing some NIBs to Game Debate this week, I've also stuck up
a review of League of Legends, the latest Defence of the Ancients clone. It's a fun
game, and it's free to play, so even recession-hit gamers have no excuse. As the
Beasties would say, check ch-check ch-ch-ch-check it out!
23/11/09
Been busier than a busload of bees lately, but I squeezed in two brief game
reviews for TVGB - the party duo of Singstar: Take That and Buzz! Quiz World
Just add alcohol for a hilarious and humiliating time.
21/11/09
Boy, Painkiller: Resurrection sure is a steaming pile of doo doo. I demand those
wasted hours returned in full, so I can spend them stabbing myself in the gonads
instead.
Also, in case you were wondering, LFD2 is shockingly very similar to the first. Most
journos at the launch party seemed more interested in the free bar than the rather
paltry offering of game booths. TVGB's Lee Bradley and Jamie Feltham can be seen
actually trying out the game in the above pic. What you don't see is the thirty pints
and excessive vomiting that followed...
17/11/09
Branching out into PS3 reviews for TVGB, check back at the weekend for my first
two efforts. I'll also be attending the LFD2 launch party on Thursday, along with a
jeepload of drunken zombies.
16/11/09
Borderlands review now up on Game Debate, my label's Seebaruk if anyone fancies
some co-op action. Next up is the new Painkiller, which promises a delightful spot
of intellectual entertainment.
Also, some fantastic news - That Videogame Blog was included in CNET UK's top
ten gaming blogs. Here's what they had to say:
"Another multi-format blog that digs behind the headlines, often offering posts that
are as interesting to people in the games industry as to gamers. A difficult line to
walk, but it manages it with aplomb. A clean design and clear writing makes it a refreshing read."
Cheers CNET!
13/11/09
Working on two articles for the next issue of Big Picture, and also reviewing
Borderlands for Game Debate. All that, plus I climbed a 40-foot tree today.
Time now for sleep...
07/11/09
Myself and Danny have each written a review of Shattered Horizon, the new zero-g
online blaster from Futuremark. Check out both reviews now on Game Debate
06/11/09
Issue 5 of Big Picture is available now in cinemas nationwide, and also available
on the website (PDF document). My article on Watchmen cosplay is right at the
very beginning, and I couldn't be happier at how it turned out. For realsies.
There's some big developments coming in the Big Picture world, and I'll update
here as soon as possible.
27/10/09
Following on from my preview, here's the full review of Monte Cristo's Cities XL.
20/10/09
Been a hectic month, including holidays (at last!) and a huge amount of novel work,
so a bit sparse on articles so far. However...
Here's a little review of Nation Red, a new zombie blaster, to tide you over until I can
post some more details...
01/10/09
Visit Arkham Asylum for a delightful day of darkness, despair and dynamic lighting
effects. Oooh, pretty...
23/09/09
Mini Ninjas review up on Game Debate. Next up: Batman :)
15/09/09
Majesty 2 is due out in three days, but you can read the review right now over at
Game Debate.
08/09/09
Cold Souls review is up on the Big Picture website. Paul Giamatti plays...Paul
Giamatti surprisingly well.
Also, check out my review of twisted art-experiment The Path.
06/09/09
Big Picture Issue 4 is now available online, and will soon be out in cinemas across the UK. I've contributed a splendid little article about the historical cinematic relevance
of the tommy gun.
02/09/09
Game Debate have a 50% off Microids games deal at the moment, and to
celebrate, I've just finished my review of Return To Mysterious Island 2.
30/08/09
Stats update: this website is somehow receiving over 300 unique visitors a week.
Last time I checked, back at the start of the year, it was only 50 a week. Don't know
where you're all coming from, but thanks for swinging by!
29/08/09
1 Day review is now up on Big Picture. The gritty new UK hip-hop musical from writer/director Penny Woolcock, it's a brave attempt at showing the despair and
seediness of Birmingham's backstreets.
28/08/09
Back to real work after helping out at the Chronicle. I had a fantastic two days, and
managed to write a few news articles on top of the double-page spread. I'll scan in
my work and stick it up in the Portfolio section when I get my hands on a copy.
Also, I was featured in the latest TVGB Q&A, about videogame movies - oh how we
love them. As before, I'm the first contributor.
24/08/09
The first day at the Oxford Street Chronicle was busy, but absolutely disappeared.
I'm hoping to get a two-page spread completed tomorrow, in time for the next issue.
Now, sleep.
20/08/09
Busy week...
Time Regained review up on The Big Picture - that was one tough film, and two and
a half hours no less.
I checked out 1 Day tonight at a Soho screening, the review for that should be up
on Big Picture soon. Linkies here when it appears.
Also, I've got two days' work experience at the JL Chronicle next week. Paid, woot!
09/08/09
GTR Evolution review up on Game Debate.
I've also been working for The Big Picture, doing some articles that will hopefully
make the next issue.
02/08/09
HAWX review up on Game Debate.
28/07/09
Things have been crazy lately, with winning the UK Authors comp. However, I've still
been working on some articles despite all the editing/promotional stuff for the
novels.
Cities XL preview is now up on Game Debate - check out the full game when it's
released in October.
13/07/09
Disaster Shoot #1: Apocalypse Now article is up on Big Picture. Hopefully the first
in a new series, all about film productions that went badly wrong.
Happy 30th anniversary, Coppola...
09/07/09
Spore review up on GameDebate.
Also, the new issue of Big Picture is due out on July 20. Check out the website for
an electronic copy.
24/06/09
The Screengems #1 article is up on Big Picture. The subject of the first one is the
proton pack.
22/06/09
New Delhi guide is up on SimonSeeks, but is still awaiting the thumbs up from
the editor. I'll update the link if required.
20/06/09
Dark Sector review is up on GameDebate, as well as a news post on Ubisoft
shunning Sony with the latest Splinter Cell title.
I've also signed up to SimonSeeks, a travel website. I'll post up links to my
travel guides here.
Don't forget I'm still contributing each week to TVGB.
16/06/09
News Writing and Sub-Editing results came out today, a first-time pass in both!
Celebratory curry time...
15/06/09
My latest feature for The Big Picture, a nostalgic look at a piece of movie gadgetry,
has been submitted.
I also took part in a discussion panel for TVGB, about the abundance of motion-
control gadgetry at E3 this year. My contribution comes first.
10/06/09
Demigod review posted on Game Debate. Stardock's RPG/RTS hybrid was
plagued with lag issues on release, but have they all been straightened out?
07/06/09
I'll be adding news updates to Game Debate from now on, as well as my usual
TVGB posts. Watch out for some Q&A's with developers.
04/06/09
Still Life 2 review is up on Game Debate. There's not many reviews up at the
moment for this game, so hopefully it'll get the same number of hits as Plants
V Zombies.
I'm working on more Big Picture articles, in addition to posting news on TVGB, so
keeping busy as usual...
28/05/09
If you scoot on over to BigPicture, you'll find my interview with Marc Price, a British
debut director who made a film for a mere £45 and showed it off at Cannes.
He's a sound guy, and has some excellent tips for budding directors who
are totally skint.
My review of Braid is also up on Game Debate. My brain is still hurting from
the time-bending craziness, but I managed to belt out some more blog posts on
ThatVideogameBlog. Follow the link at the top of the page to see them on my
profile. We all contributed to an E4 predictions article which should be up soon.
I'm hoping to see some more of Beyond Good and Evil 2, in addition to the usual
God Of War frenzy and Nintendo revealing the latest line of Gamecube/Gameboy
remakes for the Wii/DS.
14/05/09
The Big Picture's new interweb site is live, and I've updated all the relevant links.
My journo exams finish tomorrow, so I should be posting up new stuff from next
week. Huzzah!
I'm still posting at least twice a week on TVGB, so check out my profile link at the top
of the page for links to my latest efforts, including a happy birthday commemmoration
of WiiWare.
11/05/09
The Plants vs Zombies review is getting a shedload of hits! Popcap have also
quoted me direct on their website and linked to the article on Game Debate - I'm
fourth in the list, right below PC Gamer, and - rather satisfyingly - above IGN,
Eurogamer, Game Pro, etc. For realsies.
The review is also linked to from N4G
05/05/09
Review of Plants vs Zombies posted on Game Debate. My first 10-star game!
Also, the latest issue of iGizmo just went up, with my name gracing the
contributor column. Sweeeeeet...
01/05/09
It's been a great week at iGizmo. Check out my articles here:
On-demand book printing
Sony DAB rising star awards
Internet brownouts just two years away
iPhone: The band you can fit in your pocket
Smelly games
Magic is the icing on the Cupcake
EFD: Death of paper magazines?
Citroen C1 goes electric
'Smart' search engine to rival Google
25/04/09
The rather fantastic gadget maestros at iGizmo have foolishly agreed to let me
contribute to their quality mag. Subscription is free and the mag is excellent, so sign up
if you've got any interest in electronic stuff. If you don't, then you're a bit weird and I'd
rather you left right now. Go on, get out of here and knit a cardigan, or iron some pants
or something. Weirdo.
24/04/09
'Death of the cut', the changing face of UK censorship.
19/04/09
I'm now a fully fledged member of the 'That VideoGame Blog' crew. Many thanks
to Rain for taking me on. I hope to contribute regular posts, which you can read
by checking out my profile at the top of the page.
18/04/09
My impression of the Gametrailers Bionic Commando preview.
17/04/09
My first Big Picture article has gone up on the magazine's website. The piece delves
into the 'golden era' of 3D films, after their recent resurrection.
12/04/09
Preview of Heavy Rain for the PS3.
09/04/09
In a ridiculously busy week, I managed to get round to testing the preview code
for Paradox's Majesty 2. Article's up on Game Debate, and also N4G.
03/04/09
GameDebate kindly gave me a copy of Sam And Max Season Two to review, and
my article has now been posted.
27/03/09
My latest film critique is a review of Read My Lips, a French thriller.
20/03/09
Another Game Debate preview: Prototype
01/03/09
Been busy with novels and my course lately, but found time to post up a preview
of Batman: Arkham Asylum on Game Debate. Let's put a smile on that face...
20/02/09
I applied for work experience at a popular magazine this week, and part of the
application involved a 250-word creative writing piece on a rock. Here's
the literary masterpiece I threw together in twenty minutes, as a special bonus for
anyone who has actually bothered to read this far:
Pebbula's Crap Adventure
14/02/09
My review of Sanitarium, a classic PC adventure game, and a preview of DIablo III
have been added to the games section.
05/02/09
I've been busy with game reviews over the past couple of weeks, as well as...
well, playing games. All hard work, of course. They have been posted up on
Game-Debate:
Portal Review
World Of Goo Review
Farenheit Retrospective Review
I've also posted up a preview for SIlent Hill: Homecoming, which comes out soon
in the UK.
Take a look in the 'Games' section for any new reviews and previews I have
added to Game Debate.
30/12/08
Here are my latest articles:
Visiting a TV studio
The National Portrait Gallery
The Hunterian surgery museum
12/12/08
If you're interested in either a ridiculously short synopsis of the evolution of video
game soundtracks or the rather bizarre early life of Evel Knievel, then what on earth is wrong with you? Get out more.
01/12/08
The latest skinny on LittleBigPlanet's delay and the crippling of Doctor Who
David Tennant.
15/11/08
My article on the Ripley's Believe It Or Not odditorium has been posted.
08/11/08
Clocking-Off has chucked up my article on the Imperial War Museum, to
commemorate the 90th anniversary of the Armistice.
03/11/08
Article on the Byzantium Exhibition has been posted on Clocking-Off.
29/10/08
I've been insanely busy with coursework lately. In the absence of any web
articles, here's some pics I took with my phone for a work article:
Wii Bowling photo
Wii Tennis photo
Awards Ceremony photo
23/10/08
Articles on Thorpe Park and the new Fright Nights for 2008.
22/10/08
Articles on Santorini and London Eye have been posted on Clocking-Off.
20/10/08
I am now a community reporter for the Wimbledon Guardian, so I'll be posting
the odd story up on their site when I get the chance.
[ARCHIVED]
VIDEOGAME REVIEWS
Fahrenheit Retrospective Review
Spore Review - Aug '09
Tom Clancy's HAWX Review - Aug '09
GTR Evolution Review - Aug '09
Return To Mysterious Island 2 Review - Sep '09
The Path Review - Sep '09
Majesty 2 Review - Sep '09
Mini Ninjas Review - Sep '09
Batman Arkham Asylum Review - Oct '09
Nation Red Review - Oct '09
Cities XL Review - Oct '09
Shattered Horizon - Nov '09 (Mini version here)
Borderlands - Nov '09
Painkiller: Resurrection - Nov '09
League of Legends - Nov '09
King Arthur - Dec '09
Avatar: The Game - Dec '09
Dark Fall: Lost Souls - Dec '09
Alien Shooter 2: Reloaded - Jan '10
Sherlock Holmes Vs Jack The Ripper - Jan '10
VIDEOGAME PREVIEWS
SIlent Hill: Homecoming Preview
Cities XL Preview - Sep '09
R.U.S.E. Preview - Dec '09
Low Attention Span Reviews
These are old reviews that I've left up here as an archive, for some reason.
Everyone knows that gamers these days have the attention span of a boiled egg
being hit with a brick. With endless Half-Life and GTA rip-offs being released every week, who has the time to read a long-winded review of each and every one? Even this introductory paragraph right here is already far too long, and I bet only 2% of you who started are actually still reading. To those 2%, I say thank you. Also, this page isn't for you, as you clearly have too much spare time on your hands.
To those of you who have already given up with this drivvle, you've come to the right place. What follows is a concise review of some (at the time) recent games.
And if you can't even be bothered to read three measly, half-pint-sized paragraphs, then I've done a one-sentence recap at the end of each review for you to skip
to, along with a scoring system based on the films of Robert DeNiro - Goodfellas is basically the dog's bits, while Rocky & Bullwinkle is about as much fun as discovering your head has fallen off.
Sanitarium - PC
I'm going slightly mad...
Have you ever taken crystal meth? Have you ever taken crystal meth while watchingDavid Lynch movies and smashing a hammer against your skull? Okay, then you’re all set for Sanitarium.
This psychological thriller was released just over a decade ago, yet it still has the power
to disgust and bewilder. You play Max Laughton, a man who wakes up in a bizarre asylum that appears to have been modelled on a twisted medieval castle. And get this - he’s only gone and lost his memory. Sound familiar? Well, before long Max finds
himself consumed by his own delusions as he struggles to recover his memories, and things get real, real bad.
Guiding Max through the various worlds is simple, as is interacting with their surreal inhabitants - just point and click. As well as exploring the asylum, you will have to battle your way through Max’s psychotic fantasies. Towns filled with mutilated children, alien planets run by augmented insects - these are some disturbing and expertly designed levels. To progress you will have to converse with some of the weirdest characters ever
to appear in a game, solve some clever puzzles, and occasionally indulge in a spot of simple combat. The gory graphics and haunting soundtrack add to an immersive atmosphere, and pretty much guarantee some freaky, sweat-drenched night terrors.
With a distinct lack of decent adventure games of late, it’s well worth hunting down a
copy of Sanitarium to pass those dark winter nights.
The One-Sentence Review: The game equivalent of waking up to discover your gran has turned into a giant ant and is making a necklace out of the heads of various family members.
DeNiro-Ometer: Cape Fear. Only scary.
The Darkness - PS3
I had high hopes for this game, combining as it does a first-person shooter with spooky supernatural powers that allow you to summon creatures to tear someone's face off and show it to them - although without a face, they probably wouldn't be able to see it
anyway. Never mind. You play as a 21-year-old mafia minion, albeit the oldest-sounding 21- year-old in the world. As the game starts, you're sat in the back seat of a car in the middle of a chase, shooting it out with cops that are right on your tail. Or rather, you would be shooting at cops if your character could actually manage to load a shotgun in less than five minutes.
Some bad things happen, you shoot some people (at last), and then you quickly pick up the Darkness abilities, starting with creature-summoning and the ability to control a
worm with big teeth that can fit through conveniently-open windows. Jackie doesn't
seem too concerned about the fact that he has suddenly and unexpectedly sprouted
huge dragons from his shoulders, or the fact that some evil-sounding voice keeps telling him that he's a puppet under the control of whatever malevolent creature has possessed him. In fact, right after he discovers his new powers, he decides it would be a jolly good idea to visit his girlfriend in her new apartment and help her unpack. Maybe she's a girl who would find shoulder dragons sexy, or perhaps the dragons would just be handy at helping him move boxes of crap around.
Anyhoo, you shoot your way through some fairly uninspired gun battles, and maybe occasionally take control of your worm-thing to bite off some faces. However, it can only
go a short way before getting sucked back to your body in a disorienting manner, usually because your motionless body is being pounded on by five guys with machine guns.
And this was the point where I decided I liked Resistance a lot more, and simply gave
up.
The One-Sentence Review: Watching 'Through the dragon's eye' on youtube is more fun than playing this game.
DeNiro-Ometer: Shark Tale
Stranglehold - PS3
Slow-motion sickness...
'Oh great', I thought, upon hearing of the gimmick behind this title.
Slow-motion gun
battles with dual-wielded pistols, taking on scores of
baddies in gritty environments. Haven't I already done this in two Max
Payne games, not to mention the fact that slow-motion in games is
becoming more tired than Jade Goody running a marathon uphill while
munching on a bacon sandwich?
Still,
I stuck it in and after twenty minutes I have to admit I was having a
fine and dandy time. The highlight was shooting out an electric sign
which then plummeted onto a hapless goon who exploded in a shower of
sparks and screams and death. Around the next corner, I
belly-flopped onto a dinner cart and blasted about five hundred bullets
into some more hapless goons. Soon
after I was sliding down a bannister and gunning down yet more
bullet-fodder. And then I got the slow-mo precision aim, which follows
your bullet through the air and into the body of your target, then through
their flesh and bone before it explodes out the other side in a bloody
shower of viscera. Good fun.
But then I came across a
level where I had to destroy drug tables, and the damn thing went on, and on, and
on. After about fifty of these tables I felt like I was
really there, inhaling all the toxic fumes. It didn't feel good.
Monotony crept in and even slow-mo blowing a guys aorta out from three
hundred yards didn't help. Even taking control of a machine gun turret
in a copter as it circled over hundreds more baddies didn't really
lift
the feeling that it was just more of the same.
And so,
Stranglehold is undoubtedly worth a short rental, but no more. If only
to witness a bullet burst someone's eyeball in slow motion. And isn't
that something we can all enjoy?
The One-Sentence Review: Stranglehold
is like discovering a new smutty site on the interweb - thrilling at
first, until you realise it's just more of the same.
Fortune favours the bold, and people who hide a lot...
Drake's fortune is a over-the-shoulder romp that would probably be the result of a
drunken night's fumbling between Resident Evil 4, Tomb Raider and Gears of War. It
has the hiding and shooting mentality of Gears, where you take cover behind various pillars and walls and lean out to blow the kneecaps off a wide variety of enemies. The difference is that in Drake's Fortune, you'll find yourself shooting at johnny foreigners instead of slobbering Jade Goody look-alikes. And not just a hundred or so johnny foreigners - oh, no. By the time you reach the end of this game, you'll have taken down pretty much the entire population of Cuba, with maybe half of Fiji thrown in for good measure. Still, the cover system works well and aiming is a cinch, meaning this part is relatively good fun (moreso if you have a deep xenophobic complex).
In addition to the hiding and shooting bits - which make up the majority of the gameplay - you also have some Tomb Raider style hop-skip-and-jumping to do. These bits are
fairly easy in general, apart from a few sections where your progression isn't entirely
clear, leading to some rather hopeful leaps that end up with your corpse splattered
across the bottom of a waterfall.
Finally, you have some puzzley bits and some driving bits, which only occasionally crop
up and aren't too intrusive. One word of advice is that when on a jetski, you can control
the woman using L1 and get her to shoot at things. I didn't work this out for a good twenty minutes, leading to much cursing as I died for the ?th time by ramming into an exploding barrel. Honestly, who spends their whole day throwing these barrels into a river, just on the off-chance that someone will come driving up it and shoot them in the face? Talk about paranoid.
As for the story, it's standard treasure-seeking fare with a typically English main baddie, that practically drowns in the sheer number of cliches that it vomits at you. Even the dialogue is horrendous - 'You're looking awfully well for a corpse' being my favourite.
And so, Drake is worthy of at least a rental, although perhaps not a purchase as it is
quite short. If you're like me (God help you), you probably can't be bothered to play through a game again just to find every single hidden chest or coin or other length-extending devices.
The One-Sentence Review: Gears Of War in the jungle with Tomb-Raidery bits, but not as much jiggling.
DeNiro-Ometer: Raging Bull
SIngstar - PS3
Just add alcohol...
Everyone knows that the best form of entertainment is watching people making
complete melons of themselves. How do you think 'You've Been Framed' ever made it
to series twenty, even long after beardy jester Jeremy Beadle (RIP) left, to be replaced
by the salad-dodging lass who munched on pies inbetween her hilarious commentary
on clips of uncles falling over at weddings. Well, here comes Singstar, the PS2 family favourite, marching onto its next-gen brother.
Gameplay consists of screeching into a microphone and attempting to match the pitch
of the lead singer on a variety of tunes, or, if you are spectating, trying not to give yourself
a hernia from laughing too much. The tunes are actually pretty decent, with only a
couple of dodgy entries such as the Pussycat Dolls (who can beep right off), and the
dire Robbie Williams/Nicole Kidman effort. Seriously, if that song was a horse, I'd turn it into glue. And pour the glue into a volcano. And then blow up the volcano.
Of course, once you've removed every last shred of dignity that remains, you can go
online and download some more tracks to murder. And don't forget the support for the PS3 Eye Toy, which not only records your ear-shattering performances, but also how wasted you look as you stagger about your living room, pretending that your cat is an audience of thousands of punked out teenagers all screaming your name. And if you
can make it through all that without vomiting on your cousin, then you've got a morning
of sever headaches and shame to look forward to the next day, not to mention supreme horror when you realise your younger siblings have uploaded your video performance onto the Internet, where total strangers can soil themselves watching you pretend to be
Cher while wearing your mother's high heels.
The One-Sentence Review: Would be perfect if only it automatically ordered you a kebab at the end of a session.
DeNiro-Ometer: King of Comedy
Grand Theft Auto IV - PS3/XBOX
Here in my car, I feel safest of all...
Writing this review seems almost pointless, as 99% of the population will have made
their minds up about this game about four years ago when it was still just a sperm in the creative juices of the Rockstar team. Either you love GTA and have already bought it and played it with every minute of spare time you have, locked away with the curtains drawn while people with "real lives" frolick and play in the sun before it disappears for another eleven months. Or, you hate it, and make a disapproving tutting sound every time someone mentions the name, before launching into a tiresome lecture about how it's responsible for every BAD THING in the world since Jack The Ripper's days of
puncturing prostitutes.
But, for the 1% who are still on the fence for whatever reason, and are contemplating picking up or renting GTA 4 (or GTA IV as it's billed; what does it think it is, a Rocky film?), here's my words of advice. If you are put off by any of the following, do NOT check it out: swearing, fighting, reckless driving, murder, homophobia, xenophobia, sexism, sex, police brutality, drugs, bowling, manslaughter, suggestion of paedophilia, and the sight
of a man smashing through his windscreen while on fire before smacking hard into the side of a building. If, however, you find most of the above hilarious, then pick it up. You won't be disappointed.
All the humour from previous games is still in place, with some missions bordering on ludicrous, but the story has been vamped in a major way; no simple 'work your way up
the crime chain' here. The twists and gradual reveal of main character Niko's
background will have you hooked. The supporting cast is colourful and funny, and the
bad guys evil enough to have you laughing with glee when you finally get to unload a shotgun in their faces. The single player mode will have you occupied for 30-40 hours most likely, and the multiplayer is addictive enough to keep you coming back for more.
After all, what's more fun than ploughing through your best mate in a dumptruck?
The One-Sentence Review: Great stress relief, especially if you imagine the
innocent pedestrians are your most hated enemies as you cut through them
in an ambulance.
DeNiro-Ometer: Goodfellas
Super Mario Galaxy - Wii
Fly me to the moon...
Every 100 years, an asteroid sweeps across the sky of the Mushroom kingdom, spreading star particles across the far reaches of...okay, who gives two stuffs about the plot. As Simon Pegg would say, 'skip to the end'. The Princess proves that she has
some secret fetish for overweight dinosaurs by being 'kidnapped' YET AGAIN by Bowser, and Mario proves that he's still the biggest stalker in the kingdom by going after her.
What this means for you is poncing about the usual worlds looking for stars in
gameplay quite reminiscent of Super Mario 64.
If you've seen the trailers, you'll know that there are levels spread across miniature asteroids, each with their own localised gravity. However, these are just a few of the levels, and you'll still romp around your typical ice worlds (sliding off cliffs to your doom), sand worlds (slipping into quicksand to your doom), and leather worlds (being whipped by foxy dominatrixes to your doom). Actually, one of those might just be a bizarre dream
I had...
So some of the worlds may be familiar, and so are a couple of the different mutations Mario goes through, such as fireball mario, but there are some new ones such as
spring mario - yes, mario turns into a spring. Try getting that along a narrow ledge with
a huge black hole tearing away at the very fabric of space just below you, and very soon Exhibit A, Wii Remote, will be introduced to Exhibit B, cat's rectum. I'd have rather controlled 'five pints of Strongbow' Mario, it would have been a hell of a lot easier and involved less puking.
Regardless, the Wii controls work well for the majority of actions (just don't shake the remote in rage, or Mario will go spinning off the nearest cliff), and the levels are generally fun, bar some frustrating ones. There are races and other game varieties to mix things up, and it all adds up to hours of gameplay (even if the final levels & boss are a tad easy), with lots more to do once you complete it for the first time. And it doesn't really matter
what I say, cos everyone and their cat will play this game anyway...
The One-Sentence Review: Frustration and familiarity, but it's Mario so quite
frankly it could be a turd with a moustache in a box and it'd still get 10 out of 10
from every fanboy reviewer.
DeNiro-Ometer: That new one he just did - Stardust was it?
Zack & Wiki - Wii
I gouge my own eyeballs out for fun...
If you like the idea of dying over and over again, in a variety of deeply unpleasant ways, then Zack & Wiki is for you. It may look like a kiddies game, but it's clearly been tailored
for the ultimate in masochistic pain-huggers, who take great delight in beating themselves in the crotch with a breeze block every night. Most games will reward you for your curiosity and exploration, by revealing secret items or hidden areas, but Zack & Wiki will rip open your chest and yank out your still-pulsing heart, before smashing it with a brick and urinating on the bloody remains. Simply clicking on a ladder or a flicking a switch can result in you being eaten by cannibals, crushed by a statue, turned into ice, stripped of your flesh by a stream of lava, or even have you plummet out of a plane to
your untimely demise.
It is basically a puzzle game, where you have to manipulate the environment in order to reach a chest. There are baddies, but your only way of disposing of them is by ringing a monkey that can fly like a bell - whoever made this game is clearly a fan of C-grade substances, or maybe just a mentalist. And while we're on the subject, what's the point
of having a flying monkey as a companion if he never bothers to actually bloody help?
The chest is just across a small gap, but instead of getting him to fly over and open it,
you have to whittle a small boat out of a pair of pants, then sail down a chute and catch a fish using only an oxo cube and a Rick Astley CD, and so on and so forth until your brain bleeds out of your eyeballs and you die screaming, the same as Zack. Plus, you can finally be just within reach of the chest, but if you forgot to saw your auntie's leg off at the very start and bring it with you, then you can't melt it down to make a key to unlock the
final door. Silly you, back to the start.
If you like pain and death, and, more importantly, redoing things over and over again
until the desire to kill has you gibbering manically at your cat, then look no further.
One-Sentence Review: What Pin-Head would play if he had a Wii (after completing My Barbie Adventure first, naturally).
DeNiro-Ometer: Meet The Fockers (as painful as Barbra Streisand's acting).
Resident Evil 4 - Wii/GC/PS2
What's that coming over the hill, it's got a chainsaw, it's got a chainsaw....The original Resident Evil has a special place in my heart, as it was the first game to
make me cack myself in terror. It wasn't the first survival horror game, or even the
first decent one, but there was something about that spooky mansion that instilled a certain dread, even if the dialogue was so bad that it could have been written by Jade Goody, and the acting made the entire cast of Eastenders look like Oscar-winning thespians.
Resident Evil 4 replaces the scariness of the original with pure adrenaline, smacking
you about the head with the wet end of a severed arm and resuscitating the franchise
that was beginning to grow more stale than a year-old loaf from your local newsagents. Your mission is to rescue an annoying American girl from an angry bunch of Europeans (who are, as non-Americans, evil by default). These are some well-miffed villagers, who come at you with everything from pitchforks to chainsaws in an attempt to suckle your intestines and play badminton with your kidneys. To take them down you have a range
of weapons, including the usual shotgun and rocket launcher, all fired from an over-the-shoulder viewpoint. You'll also face off against some huge bosses, and bringing them down will momentarily make you feel like someone who is Hard and Tough, instead of
an alcoholic pie-munching waster with a flabby belly.
It may not be horrifying like the original (in terms of terror, it falls somewhere inbetween realising you've left the iron on back home, and sitting next to a pouty teenager wearing
a hoody on the bus), but there's nothing more thrilling than taking refuge in a battered
old house, only for a gang of villagers to burst in through the windows and tear you
apart with machetes. Quality stuff.
One-Sentence Review: You cut me so deep, baby, and it feels so good...
DeNiro-Ometer: Goodfellas
Metal Slug Anthology - PSP
There are many famous and frantic side-scroller shooters from days gone by that stick
in the mind, such as Contra and the Mega Man series, and one such franchise is Metal Slug. Rather than being based around the adventures of a robotic gastropod, Metal Slug places you in control of one of four human war-hardy veterans, and your mission is to kill even more evil foreigners than in Drake's Fortune (see PS3 reviews). Not just evil foreigners however, but also occasionally evil zombies and evil aliens, when the game designers clearly decided to smoke one joint too many and took a break to watch old Hammer Horror films in the middle of programming.
To help you in your mission there are a variety of tanks and planes, which can launch unprecedented amounts of rockets and bullets at your dumb-as-Jade-Goody enemies. And this is unbelievably necessary, as without some form of vehicle to protect you, you're as good as dead in a matter of seconds on any level, even with the reactions of Dirty
Harry on crack. This is because, at any one time, there is maybe a cm of screen space that isn't taken up by bullets/rockets/zombie puke/laser fire. And if you aren't standing there, then you're smoked. Thankfully, the PSP provides an infinite-continues option which proves to be more required than useful.
Aside from some annoying slow-down issues and impossible difficulty, Metal Slug is a fun game and even more fun in co-op. Just don't be surprised if you soon grow weary at the sight of your own blood.
One-Sentence-Review: Die Screaming, Again and Again...
DeNiro-Ometer: Deer Hunter (but with the body count of all four Rambo films)
Silent Hill Origins - PSP
This town, is coming like a ghost town...
I've always liked Silent Hill, ever since I first got torn apart by teddy bears with knives for fingernails back in Midwich Elementary School. The second one brought a whole new story and range of slightly psychotic characters to the town, while the third made a sometimes-clumsy attempt at tying events and plot points together, but the style of the game fundamentally remained the same - run about nasty, freakish environments full of scary monsters, and then cry salty tears of despair as you realise the underwear you
have on were your last clean pair. Four attempted to do something different, with portals and ghosts and a power meter, and it was about as successful as a Jade Goody
workout DVD.
And so enter Origins, the first survival horror on PSP. As the name suggests, the story goes back to the beginning - it could just as well be called Silent Hill 0. I won't go into details, but it revolves around a trucker called Travis who stumbles into the affairs of the Gillespie family, who are as far removed from the Brady Bunch as you could possibly imagine. You will discover more about Travis and his own family as the game progresses, and although it all feels familar, it's reasonably interesting. The gameplay too returns to the form of the original, which is a semi-blessing after number four, although it falls into the more-of-the-same pitfall after a while. You'll almost immediately venture into the hospital, which seasoned veterans know is a Very Bad Thing, followed
by various other locations which are mostly creepy and atmospheric and do their job
well.
There's a couple of unusual additions, such as the ability to pick up household objects
to use as weapons. There seems to be no limit to what you can pick up, so by the end I was carrying the entire contents of a small branch of Ikea. Not to mention that, to get the full effect from this game, you have to play in the dark, which makes the portability all but redundant - unless you're off on a spelunking trip in the next week or so. I always preferred playing with friends too, which isn't possible on the PSP, unless you hook it up to your TV - again, rendering the portable element redundant. But fans will be serviced, and it is definitely worthy of a rental, especially given the short length.
One-Sentence Review: The scariest portable experience since listening to Celine
Dion on your ipod.
DeNiro-Ometer: Cape Fear
Hotel Dusk - Nintendo DS
Hope the beds are soft...Before you read any further, let me assure you that I've been an adventure game fan
since the days of Zork on the Spectrum. No fancy graphics or clever interface, just a blinking cursor and the endless joy of typing in naughty words to see which ones it recognised. I've played hundreds of adventures, ranging from the divine (Monkey Island) to the downright pants (Ripper), and Hotel Dusk unfortunately falls a lot closer to the second category. As a fan of Phoenix Wright, I was hoping this game would be another strong DS entry with a more serious tone. However, the problem is that it's not really a game at all. Let me explain.
You play an ex-cop turned travelling salesman (no, I'm not kidding) who pulls up to the titular hotel looking for his missing partner, who vanished three years prior. This, unfortunately, is as far into the 'plot' as I managed to get. Almost two hours into the
game, after checking in and speaking with pretty much every guest I could find, I had
done nothing more exciting than catch a hotel employee having a sneaky shufty at a
porno mag in the linen closet. The 'gameplay' consists of interrogating people about the most mundane aspects of their lives, which of course means endless streams of dialogue to wade through, 99% of which seems completely irrelevant. I also discovered that it's possible to 'die' if you pick the wrong questions, meaning sitting through it all again to choose another route. Boring as hell the first time = DS hurled out of window
the third time. If it's actual puzzles you're after, I completed precisely two in my time with Hotel Dusk. One involved piecing together a 16-piece childrens jigsaw, and the other involved unraveling a paper clip. I can do both of these things at home for real, at the combined cost of 27p.
I'm sure that there is some semblance of a story if you stick with it for a few more hours, but why bother? If you like reading, then get a book. If you like playing games, then try watching Fresh Prince Of Bel Air and downing a shot of whiskey every time Will either
calls Uncle Phil fat, or Carlton short. Both of these ideas are precisely fifty-seven times
more fun than playing 'Hotel Dusk'.
One-Sentence Review: One to skip unless you like dull dialogue and have the
patience of the Dalai Lama on weed.
DeNiro-ometer: Casino, if you replaced all of the dialogue with lengthy expositions
from each and every character, detailing how delightful their last dump was,
and replaced all of violence with Joe Pesci scratching his head and examining YET ANOTHER empty drawer/shelf.
This page is updated as regularly as I can find the time to play games. And yes, I'll sort out the layout eventually...